you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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