I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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