If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
