I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
