I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
