I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
