i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
