He kissed a someone with a penis
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
