I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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