So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I enjoy the company of your penis
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
