I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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