Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Non-Jews are for practice
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
