come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
