if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
