My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
