You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
