guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
