I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
