He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
