So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
