I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
