You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
