Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
