ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
