I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Randomize
