I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
