I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
