I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
