when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
