After last night, I could never be a politician.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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