My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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