her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
