I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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