i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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