It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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