Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
