complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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