Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
