At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
