dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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