The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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