I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it because I queefed?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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