I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
