What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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