I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
