I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
