Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
