Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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