She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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