Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
