Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
