just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
